Axis Powers Hetalia: Cliché Wonderland
by The Fool Arcana
Summary: "Now good Tom Thumb you work is done, the tale is at its end. May dreams of dark embrace your heart Night's curtain does descend. With great mirth I'll cut off your head; Life from your body rend." Roderich glanced up from his coffee and mystery novel to glance at his owner's elder brother. DISCONTINUED


**Chapter One**

**Axis Powers-Hetalia is of **© **Hidekaz Himaruya  
**

******Manual/Unit idea first thought up by est. 1995 (LolliDictator)**  


_Fanfiction Title: Cliché Wonderland_

_Chapter Title: My Name is Alice  
_

_Rated: T  
_

_Language: English_

_Genre: Friendship, Romance, humor, Family  
_

* * *

_"And in uffish thought he stood, Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, Whiffed through the tulgey wood, and burbled as it came! One, Two! One, two! The vorpal blade went crack! He left it dead, and with its head he went galumphing back."-Alice in Wonderland: Through the looking glass_

* * *

"Hey! Alice!"

Alice Brunel glanced up at the call of his name, his bright green eyes scanned the area as he brushed his emo fringe back only to have it fall once more into his face, his hair was a bright Sunflower yellow, he wore his pastier uniform, the white shirt splattered with flour and icing, as the apron was covered in chocolate, his skin was light just like cream and was currently turning a light red from sunburn, "Oh Philip."

Philip Walkins was a 5'10, Scottish man who was in training to be a baker. His firey red hair complimented his blue eyes well as the giant grin he wore resembled that of a Cheshire cat, "There you are! There is a huge package in front of your apartment!"

Alice felt his eye twitch at the sight of Philip, "I see—now do tell me why you are…covered in…what exactly is that?"

Philip froze, smile in place as he began to sweat before high tailing it away, "BYE!" he was good as dead if Alice found out he had ate his submission to the contest.

"YOU DAMN SCOT!" Alice immediately took after the Scotsman, intent on getting his just deserts (No pun intended), waving his large cooking book after the red-head who was screaming in his full on out accent now due to fear, only to stop as the other made it across the street to safety, "I will GET you." Muttering lowly and watching his friend shiver and flee, Alice sighed before heading off to his apartment to indeed see a giant…mint green crate with a bunny…that had wings? Staring for a few seconds he turned as he saw his landlord—a family friend of his mother's, "This is?"

"Ah? Oh yes it arrived early this morning—right after you left! Marianna signed for it before she left for school." Mrs. Agate spoke in a kind tone, her gaze lingering on the young male as she chuckled, "She looks adorable in her Lobelia Academy uniform. Such a nice private school for girls…"

Watching the elderly lady walk off Alice gazed back at the box—crate thing before sighing, "how to get it in?" with that he set to work on trying to get it in—and by setting to work it really meant just staring at it blankly for about three hours before his apartment neighbor ended up helping him bring it in.

Marianna gave a small hum as she arrived home, "Big brother! I'm back—oh!" Staring at the giant box then jumping at her brother who stared at her blankly (She was eerily reminded of Norway right now) she gave a nervous laugh, "So…um…you know about, Hetalia?" of course she knew he did. Her brother detested anything anime or manga (Blasphemy right!?).

Giving a stiff nod, Alice eyed the crate, "Yes…does it have to do with…the crate?" he had a bad feeling. A very bad feeling about this at his sister's sweet innocent smile.

"I ordered a Hetalia unit!" Marianna clapped a bit as she smiled brightly at her big brother. Of course she went to London via the bullet train everyday for school, and came back to the apartment in Paris so she knew her brother would have to have more time with her new unit or units, "You see…I bought a unit and in the process right after I accidently got a pop up add and sorta won a series of units…"

Opening and closing his mouth, Alice felt ill. Very ill. He recalled his sister gushing about those in fanfictions—they were real? She ordered them—there was a lot?! Staggering and falling back into a nice comfy arm chair he stared at her, "W….what?"

"Don't worry! I'll work off the money I took from the rent account." She ignored the horrified choking sound her brother made at that before picking up the manual with a pleased smile, "So who did I receive?" sudden joy hit her as she squealed, "Big brother! We got Austria!"

Right then and there something in him cracked and the last thing he recalled was his sister screaming in shock and then nothing.

* * *

Marianna gave a sigh as she glanced back at her brother who now had a blanket on his slumbering form (More like fainted form) as she moved about the spacious well decorated Paris apartment to the beautiful white grand piano, smoothing her skirt underneath her, slowly brushing her chestnut brown hair back she began to play Butterfly by Chopin. She went to a music academy on weekdays in London, while weekends she went to one in Paris, of course she had confidence in her abilities to get the very rare response from her Austria unit but if she didn't it just meant she had to try harder! After all she will admit she is a spoiled brat at times, stuck up and all that and people think she is a rich brat that got disowned, well who cares. She was stuck up because she believed in her damn skills so if she was a bitch then yup she was one!

Eyes fluttering open at the sound of music, Alice gazed over at his sister before looking down at the manual and hesitantly opening up to read it after noticing the time (God he was out for an hour?!) with a sigh he read.

_**RODERICH EDELSTEIN: User Guide and Manual**_

_**Congratulations! **__You have just purchased your very own RODERICH EDELSTEIN Unit. This manual was written in order to allow you, the owner, to unlock your unit's full potentials, and it is advised that you read this before trying anything to prevent extreme frustration. Although the RODERICH EDELSTEIN Unit is far more civilized than some of our other units, mistreatment of this unit may still result in much frustration and unwarranted trolling._

_**Technical Specifications:**_

_Name:__ Roderich Edelstein. Will respond to "Austria", "Republic of Austria", "Austrian Empire", "Mr. Austria", "Mr. Edelstein", "Sir", "Republik Österreich", "Specs", "Roddy" and "aristocratic pansy", though he will be annoyed if you call him by the last three names._

_Age__: 23_

_Place of Manufacture:__ Vienna, Austria_

_Height:__ 5' 8"_

_Weight:__ 135 lbs_

_Length:__ Remember that Austria used to be an empire? Yeah._

_**Your RODERICH EDELSTEIN Unit comes with the following:**_

_One (1) long navy blue coat_

_Two (2) pairs of long black pants_

_Three (3) Cravats_

_One (1) pair of glasses (non-prescription)_

_One (1) pair of short boots_

_One (1) set of Seven Years War military uniform (complete with rapier)_

_One (1) tailcoat_

_One (1) Conductor's baton_

_One (1) Violin_

_One (1) Flute_

_Seven (7) books of music scores (3 of them are empty, it is not a printing error)_

_Although not provided in the set, it is highly recommended for the owner of a RODERICH EDELSTEIN Unit to own a piano of some sort (preferably at least a baby grand, although he can make do with practice __pianos__ but might complain about the sound quality) or at least have convenient access to a piano, for RODERICH EDELSTEIN Units are known to rage quit on their owner when he discovers that there is no piano in the house._

_**Programming**_

_Your RODERICH EDELSTEIN Unit comes with the following traits:_

_Musician:__ RODERICH EDELSTEIN is a natural born musician and knows how to play virtually any instrument (even if there is an instrument he has never seen before, he will probably learn how to play it quite well in about five hours), though he is the best on the piano and violin. Sign him up for your __local__ symphonic orchestra for any position (even as the conductor) and you'd be raking in cash quite quickly._

_Guardian:__ RODERICH EDELSTEIN is a rather stern Unit who is quite particular about discipline. He will be very responsible towards his ward and ensure that he or she does whatever he or she is supposed to do. Though his ward may initially dislike him for this, they will eventually grow to like him because of his more gentle side._

_Aristocrat__: RODERICH EDELSTEIN is naturally a "young master" type who likes to enjoy life and thus he has the tendency to stay around in the house doing nothing particularly productive (unless it is related to music). Thus, if you had not signed him up for the orchestra or have otherwise given him a job, do not expect him to be doing much in your house beyond strolling around, drinking coffee, baking pastries, writing sheet music and playing on his musical instruments._

_**Removal of your RODERICH EDELSTEIN Unit from packaging:**_

_As RODERICH EDELSTEIN is usually a calm and collected person, it is rather difficult for the process of removing him from the packaging to be dangerous because he is usually not dangerous even when annoyed. The following are some of the ways to remove him from the packaging:_

_1. You may open the box directly and address him politely (as "Mr. Edelstein" or "Mr. Austria"). If nothing went wrong during shipping, he will wake up and greet you politely and allow you to reprogram him. If he was jostled during shipping, he might wake up and greet you in a rather grouchy manner but allow you to reprogram him nevertheless._

_2. Say "I'm awesome!" or go "Kesesese!" or "It must suck balls to have Silesia taken away from you by force!" loud enough for him to hear. You will hear angry shouting from the box (along the lines of "you idiot!") and it is safe to open the box; he will not burst out of it or attack you. Upon seeing that you are not a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT Unit, he will apologize for his behavior and allow you to reprogram him._

_3. Bake Austrian pastry or cook Hungarian food. He will wake up to both and allow you to reprogram him, but may be slightly disappointed to discover that you are not an ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY Unit if you did the latter._

_4. Play something on the piano, preferably classical music composed by an Austrian, Hungarian or Polish composer (we're referring to Chopin here, of course). Russian composers (like Rachmaninov) are not encouraged but will be effective nevertheless (however, if you choose to do so, you will only see the first response). There are technically two possible responses to this but usually you would only see the first response unless you are really skilled:_

_First response: he will wake up and tell you (in the box) that your playing is unacceptable and demand that you let him out. After you remove him from the box, he will sit down at your piano and show you how the piece should have been played (and he will play it flawlessly, we assure you). If you had played a song composed by a Russian composer, he would instead play one of Chopin's Etudes to express his "utter disgust" at your choice of music. After this, he will allow you to reprogram him._

_Second response (VERY RARE): he will wake up but he will not say anything because he is satisfied with your playing. After you finish playing the song (make sure you do finish!) you may let him out. He will praise you on your playing and allow you to reprogram him._

_If you chose to play a piece by Ludwig van Beethoven, he will wake up and insist that Beethoven was an Austrian composer._

Pausing for a moment as he let the melody flow around him, a small smile made its way onto his face as he glanced down at the removal options. He had a feeling it was the second due to there being no scolding. As the song ended he slowly got off the arm chair, "Marianna…you can open it now."

Throwing an amused look at her brother, Marianna moved to the box and un-did the latches before opening the crate door, "Good afternoon, Mr. Edelstein." With a curtsey she moved back a bit for the personification of Austria to come out.

"Indeed it is a good afternoon. I must applaud you on your magnificent performance of Chopin's Butterfly Piece." Smoothing down his coat, and adjusted his glasses, Roderich took a sweeping glance over the room. It was nicely furnished but he could tell it was at least upper middle class, "Now then young lady—what is your name and which country am I in?"

"My name is Marianna Lisana Brunel; we are in Paris, France." Marianna gave a grimace at her middle name. Her mom was obsessed with names that had Ann or Anna in it.

A nod was given, his gloved hands folded in the small of his back, "I see. Well it is a pleasure to meet you, Marianna." Paris? Well he had to admit. Paris was indeed a beautiful country despite France's behavior at times. It was then he noticed a spiky haired male sitting off to the side, "Who might you be?"

"That is my big brother, Alice Brunel."

Roderich felt his eyebrow raise slightly at the name, "It is a pleasure to meet you, Alice." How interesting a young man named Alice.

"Yeah get your jollies out of my name…" Alice muttered a bit darkly under his breath as he glanced back down at the manual. Do not show distaste for the Hetalia unit. Do not show it!

_**Reprogramming**_

_After successfully getting your RODERICH EDELSTEIN unit out of his box, you can reprogram him from his default __Aristocratic__ mode if you wish._

_Aristocratic (default)_

_Aloof (default)_

_Protective_

_Troll_

_Frugal_

_Dominant (locked)_

_Rage (locked)_

_RODERICH EDELSTEIN is, by default, __Aristocratic__ and __Aloof.__ This means that he may be rather demanding and cutting, but polite while doing so. Before you get to know him better, he will be distant and formal, and easily annoyed by any form of behavior he deems as "childish". He also has a tendency to express himself through his music, being reserved and not very good with words. It is advised for the owner to learn some basic music theory to understand if you're RODERICH EDELSTEIN Unit is annoyed._

_Protective__ is usually initiated when you threaten to take away something of his. He may accuse you of "seizing his vital regions" (he does not seem to understand the innuendo behind it) if you take away something dear to him, like his music scores or his violin. However, it may also be initiated if he is emotionally attached to someone or if he is assigned to take care of someone (e.g. his ward) and the person is threatened._

_RODERICH EDELSTEIN is known to be the greatest troll ever. In __Troll__ mode, he is able to out-troll anyone, including ANTONIO FERNANDEZ CARRIEDO and GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT. If he ever tries to troll you, do not attempt to out-troll him; doing so would result in tears and much frustration. There have been no documented successes of an owner out-trolling his or her RODERICH EDELSTEIN Unit, and we are certain that you will not be the first. It is impossible to get him out of this mode by force; he will usually stop trolling after an hour or two. If you have an ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY unit, you may speed up this process by leaving him with her for a while._

_The __Frugal__ mode is activated if RODERICH EDELSTEIN deems that you are wasting money. Despite his aristocratic nature, he is also rather thrifty, due to his long-term friendship with VASH ZWINGLI. In this mode, he will lecture you for being wasteful and attempt to salvage the situation. To get him out of this annoying mode, suggest politely that he could engage in more meaningful activities like playing the piano or baking pastries, and he will stop._

_The __Dominant__ mode is locked, and for good reason. A RODERICH EDELSTEIN Unit in__ Dominant__ mode is aggressive and reverted to when the Austrian Empire was at the height of its glory. In this mode, your Unit will actually be dangerous if provoked and Flying Mint Bunny Co. is not responsible for any damage done to the owner when a RODERICH EDELSTEIN Unit is in this mode. Also, if your RODERICH EDELSTEIN Unit is in a relationship with any other Unit, he will always top in this mode, regardless who the other Unit is. This mode may be activated by placing him with any unit in their respective Empire modes. To get a RODERICH EDELSTEIN unit out of this mode, place him with an ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY unit in any mode but __Domestic__ and he'll snap out of it after a while._

_The __Rage__ mode is a severe manifestation of his annoyance, when you annoy him past his limits - this is extremely hard and usually a result of a RODERICH EDELSTEIN Unit spending too much time with a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit. In this mode, your RODERICH EDELSTEIN Unit is aggressive towards whoever set him into __Rage__ but is otherwise quite normal. If the owner is responsible for the __Rage__, he may rage quit on you and leave the house. Do note that RODERICH EDELSTEIN Units have a terrible sense of direction and it is rare for them to come back of their own accord; the owner may use the GPS chip embedded in all our Units to track down the RODERICH EDELSTEIN Unit after a few hours and apologize sincerely to him to get him out of this mode._

Well it seems like his, sister wouldn't want to reprogram her Austria unit from his default modes. Standing, Alice moved to the kitchen, "I'll prepare dinner then, Marianna, Mr. Edelstein." Folded the blanket he turned to his sister, "Show him to his room then, bring his things." With that he went to the kitchen while continuing to read the manual which he of course would make his sister read.

"Yes Big Brother." Motioning for Roderich to follow Marianna gave a very amused smile at the cross look her unit wore from her brother's tone and expression.

"Ah yes. Lead the way." With a final glance at his owner's sibling, Roderich gave a soft sigh. Honestly at least his owner seemed normal for now and respectful just like her sibling. He rather hoped it would stay this way—even just for a while.

_**Relationships with other Units:**_

_ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY:__ These two were married for over fifty years and obviously still harbor feelings for each other; it is not difficult for a RODERICH EDELSTEIN Unit and an ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY Unit living in the same household to start a relationship. Please do not attempt to obtain footage of this pairing, lest you want your brains to be extracted by a frying pan (and please do not try to set up secret cameras; the ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY Unit is quite good at searching for them, being a user of these cameras herself.)_

_GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT:__ These two hate each other with a passion that is deemed to be unresolved sexual tension by fan girls. Interestingly enough, GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT Units appear to enjoy the company of RODERICH EDELSTEIN Units very much and would often come and pester your Unit, much to his annoyance._

_ANTONIO FERNANDEZ CARRIEDO:__ Your Unit enjoys the company of this Unit, having spent centuries together, but will be unwilling to start a relationship. The ANTONIO FERNANDEZ CARRIEDO unit has to work hard, or you may arrange for some "accidents", if you wish to see these two in a relationship._

_VASH ZWINGLI:__ Your Unit and this Unit used to be great friends, but they aren't anymore. To get them in a relationship, you have to get both of them drunk (and despite his looks, RODERICH EDELSTEIN is rather hard to get drunk - he is of German descent, after all)._

_FELICIANO VARGAS:__ Your Unit will see FELICIANO VARGAS as a ward and no romantic relationship is possible between the two._

_LILLY ZWINGLI:__ Your Unit also sees this Unit as a ward and will be extremely kind to her - much to the annoyance of nearby VASH ZWINGLI units. This is partially out of guilt for abandoning the Principality of Liechtenstein when the Austrian Empire fell. LILLY ZWINGLI will be nagged at by a VASH ZWINGLI Unit to avoid RODERICH EDELSTEIN, but she still sees RODERICH EDELSTEIN as a father figure nevertheless and enjoys watching him play the piano. No romantic relationship is possible between the two._

_LUDWIG BEILSCHMIDT:__ Your Unit was temporarily annexed by this Unit for a period of time before the Second World War, but seemed to have enjoyed freeloading in this unit's house. They get along rather amiably, except when discussing if Beethoven was a German or Austrian composer._

_Do note that it is near impossible for RODERICH EDELSTEIN to have a romantic relationship outside the ones listed above and thus we advise you not to attempt to seduce your Unit for the sanity of both of you._

_**Cleaning**_

_Your Unit is perfectly capable of cleaning himself and does not enjoy communal baths._

_**Feeding**_

_Your Unit will eat anything that he deems as "proper food". This excludes fast food, takeaway/microwave dinners, and anything made by an ARTHUR KIRKLAND Unit, as well as anything made from seafood. Accept his requests to use the kitchen and you will be pleasantly surprised with an assortment of Austrian pastries (he bakes really good chocolate cakes) and good coffee-unless you don't like your coffee with too much cream._

_**Rest**_

_RODERICH EDELSTEIN likes routine and would thus adopt a sleep pattern based on the waking/sleeping times of the other habitants of the house. It is usually a maximum of a 2-hour deviation from 10pm to 7am. He does not mind sharing a room with an ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY or ANTONIO FERNANDEZ CARRIEDO unit, but will strongly object to rooming with GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unless the two of them are in a relationship._

_**Frequently Asked Questions**_

_Q: My Unit left the house in the morning, it's almost 9pm and he hasn't returned!_

_A: Relax; RODERICH EDELSTEIN Units have a terrible sense of direction. He probably got lost. You can track him with the GPS chip embedded in all our Units and bring him back. You do not have to worry about his safety as most people would learn not to mess around with him after about two minutes or so._

_Q: I accidentally broke my Unit's glasses/they went missing and now he refuses to come out of his room/see anyone except my ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY Unit!_

_A: Well, RODERICH EDELSTEIN feels that he looks too plain without his glasses and that explains why he refuses to meet you. You can go buy a pair that looks like the one he came with or call Customer Services and we'll send you a pair right away. They are non-prescription and are not meant to correct for myopia/astigmatism._

_Q: My Unit used up all the blank scores and now he's frantically looking for paper to write his music on, he even wrote on the back of the written report I was supposed to submit tomorrow and I had to reprint it all over again!_

_A: When RODERICH EDELSTEIN goes into one of his bouts of inspiration he will write down his compositions on anything, though he'll probably apologize later. We advise you to always have a few empty books for music scores (lined and ruled, preferably) if you do not wish for such mishaps to happen._

_Q: My Unit's playing his musical instruments at ungodly hours and waking up my neighbors (and myself!) I thought you said he was a person of routine?_

_A: Indeed he is, but he's even more of a musician. Like we said in the previous question, when he gets inspired, he will do anything to get that inspiration down in concrete form. That sadly involves playing the piano at midnight if he so happens to have been inspired by a dream or something._

_Q: I read somewhere/heard from my friends that own other Units that curl that stand up work as erogenous zones, but RODERICH EDELSTEIN only gets annoyed when I pull his curl!_

_A: ...The makers of this manual demand why you are even trying to turn him on, since we have clearly stated that he will not be romantically interested in his owner. However, due to obligations to release such information to our customers, we inform you that RODERICH EDELSTEIN's cowlick represents Mariazell, and his erogenous zone is not that but the mole to the corner of his lips._

_**Troubleshooting**_

_Problem:__ Instead of receiving an aristocratic young man, you have received a kid of about seven who loves to pick fights._

_Solution__: We have mixed up the order and sent you a little! Austria by accident. This version of the Unit is constantly being trashed by a little! Hungary unit and is anxious to prove himself to be strong, which usually means that a little! Switzerland has to come along to save his butt most of the time. If you wish to swap this for the full grown version, please contact Customer Services and we will ship you the replacement right away._

_Problem:__ Your RODERICH EDELSTEIN Unit suddenly became unable to walk and he sits around all day moping and playing depressing music. He rejects attention from any ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY Unit, claiming that it is "improper" for them to see each other, making her depressed as well._

_Solution:__ You have unlocked the __Post-WWI__ mode of your Unit. In this mode, Austria has just lost so much of his land that he is temporarily crippled. The Treaty of Versailles has also disbanded the Austro-Hungarian Empire, effectively divorcing him from ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY. To get him out of this mode, leave him with a LUDWIG unit for a few weeks and he will recuperate._

_**End Notes**_

_With proper respect and care, RODERICH EDELSTEIN will prove to be a valuable companion. We wish you luck and hope that you enjoy your time with him_.

Well then…apparently this unit could have a relationship and thankfully not with any real person. Closing the manual he gave a soft sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. Austria had a bad sense of direction? Darn…good thing he apparently had GPS! With a sot sigh, Alice glanced at a bunch of cook books, taking out an Austrian pastier recipe book along with one for main dishes the twenty-two year old man thought he might as well make the new addition to the household feel welcomed.

"The decorations here are atrocious!"

Scratch that. He would make it feel like hell for the blasted no good Hetalia unit thing! Alice put back the recipe books, his eyebrows twitching dangerously. Damn spoiled stupid young master types!

* * *

**A/N**

****To see Austria's profile (Which I included for once fully in a fanfiction-is that bad? If it is I'll edit it out!) go to** DarkBlaziken**'s profile!  
I hope that this fanfic is okay...I tried a new way of writing as well as style I suppose? For those who read onto now that are new readers to my fanfictions I say thank you for reading! For my loyal readers/reviewers I do hope you liked this story and yes I am bad for starting a new one.

My keyboard wireless and on laptop itself is still shit so I am also using the on-screen keyboard so its kinda hard and bad and annoying for me but I do get to write! Woo! Don't worry I'll continue my other fanfictions-by that I mean the Hetalia ones unless I feel motivated to do the other series and stuff.

I never SEEN an Austria Unit one so here we go! Austria! Woo! I love him but I hate his english voice...*grimace* his Japanese one is the best so this guy sounds like that! Also yes! Takes place in Paris, France 'cuz it is so pretty...I loved going there when I was younger and England.

As for Marianna...she admits to her bitchyness and does indeed get hurt from the names but embraces them by going into mega bitch mode lol.

Also Alice is sorta well...his personality is kinda weird to explain...er well TTFN!


End file.
